Confessions
by Acinorev
Summary: It's their final year at Hogwarts. Lily slowly realizes her true feelings for James, while at the same time James slowly realizes he's wasted seven years chasing after a love that will never be.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: If I created Harry Potter, I'd be the richest woman in the world and thinking about which character's death would devistate most of my fans in the seventh book instead of being here, writing a fan fiction on a crummy hand me down computer in the middle of Small Town, USA.

* * *

**Lily  
**  
It drives me crazy. As soon as you decide to forget something, your brain comes to the conclusion that it's the most fascinating thing in the world.   
  
So, naturally, I spent my whole afternoon thinking about the boy I'd spent the past seven years shooting down over and over again.  
  
Everytime his arrogant face flashed across my mind I gave myself a firm shake, as if trying to disolve the image that kept haunting me like you would do to a rejected picture on an old Etch-A-Sketch. But the harder I tried to forget, the more I remembered.  
  
It makes me wonder...  
  
If you tell your brain not to do stuff like that and it keeps doing it anyway, does that mean your mind has a mind of it's own? And if it does, who's really in charge here anyways?  
  
It's a wonder we're not all lunatics.

****

****

**James**  
  
Seven years.  
  
Seven years of lust, of longing.  
  
Seven years of continuous hope endlessly punctured by rejection.   
  
Yet, I still can't rid her image from my memory. And I don't want to.  
  
She's the one.  
  
But now, after seven years of dead ends, it makes me wonder...  
  
Is she my one?


	2. A Little Announcement

_**James**_

I watched the sticks and twigs snap under my feet as I paced back and forth up and down the lake shore.   
  
Feh. Women.  
  
No. Woman.  
  
What the bloody hell was with that girl? I merely sat down and said hello, and boom! Head on shoulder! So what else should I do but put my arm around her? It's not like I was trying to pounce on her. Damn!  
  
I stopped pacing and took a breath. I tried counting to ten like Moony suggested but it just wasn't doing it for me, so I hoisted my broom over my shoulder and started walking slowly up to the Great Hall. If I wasn't already pissed off enough, Ariana Wood, our "captain", had to call practice before the rest of the world even thought about waking up, so I hadn't had time for breakfast and was clearly starving. I banished my broom up to my room and entered the Great Hall, tracking mud all the way over to the Gryffindor Table. At this point, I didn't care if Mr. Pringle ripped me a new one for messing up his sparkling floors or not.  
  
"Hey Moony, Padfoot," I mumbled, plopping down beside my best mates, not really registering their replies. I was in such a mood I didn't even realize Padfoot was up before the clock struck twelve (noon) until he cleared his throat in my ear for the fourth time.  
  
"Why Padfoot," I smirked, "To what do we owe the grace of your presence before lunch?"   
  
"You can thank that bloody Wormtail," Sirius scowled, "His damn nightmare mumbling woke me up. 'No, not the beans! Take the marshmellow, but leave the beans!'" I couldn't help but laugh.  
  
"You know," Moony said, "You're getting really good at impersonating him. Could it be that you -"  
  
"Hush up, Moony, before I shove this waffle somewhere foriegn," Padfoot snapped. "Speaking of waffles..I forgot how good breakfast food was, seeing as everytime I made it to the Great Hall it was already lunch time." He grabbed another piece of toast and buttered it, then very unattractively stuffed it in his mouth.  
  
"That's disgusting Paddy," I said, scrunching up my face. I turned away from the breakfast entertainment and scanned the Gryffindor Table, hoping to sight Evans. Not like I'd say anything to her if I did. Moony also was scanning the table, and to my relief he didn't bring up my looking for Lily; something else got his attention.  
  
"How is it," Moony asked Padfoot, "That you can stuff your face with food, the remaining bits of it smeared all over your face, the crumbs all over your shirt, and still manage to have at least five girls at this table alone gawking at you like some sort of sex god?"  
  
Padfoot leaned back in his chair and wiped his face with his napkin, appearing to be thinking hard. Appearing being the key word.  
  
"I guess it's just my natural charm. And the hair doesn't hurt either," he grinned, running a hand through his dark black hair that fell perfectly around his face. And I mean perfectly. Completely the opposite of mine.   
  
Moony snorted and took a sip of his juice. He turned back to his Daily Prophet and Padfoot was busy winking at a girl at the Ravenclaw table, so I was free to let my mind wander.  
  
Evans still hadn't come to breakfast. But what would if matter if she did? Even if I did try and talk to her she'd probably tell me to bugger off. If she was feeling extra Lily-ish I might even be lucky enough to get a slap too!   
  
I took another breath. 1...2...3...  
  
Seriously. What am I supposed to do? I've done every single thing I can think of save proposing to her and I've been shot down each and every time. It's like her goal in life to make mine miserable. But then again...  
  
On the rare occasion when Lily wasn't playing the role of Queen Bitch, the times when she forgot to put up her icy shield, she and I really hit it off. Believe it or not we've even had some nice talks late at night in the common room, just the two of us. But whenever I make the suggestion of taking her out, she refuses. I just don't get it. And if she wasn't strange enough, lately she's been acting even weirder. Like this morning. She made a move on me! And then yelled at me like it was my idea!   
  
"Padfoot," I said, punching him in the arm slightly. His attention was still on the Ravenclaw who was now blowing air kisses in his direction. "Padfoot, you'll have plenty of time for her later. Or any other girl in the castle you want."  
  
"Eh, I suppose you're right mate. It's not easy being a heartthrob," Sirius grinned, turning back to face me. "What's up?"  
  
"How is it that you can have any girl you want, and I can't get the one I've been chasing for seven years?" I asked helplessly.  
  
"Well Prongsie poo, you see, the answer is simple. All -"  
  
But I didn't get to hear what was so easy. Professor Dumbledore had risen from his seat and a calm had rushed over the Great Hall. He smiled kindly and waited for the few whispered conversations to cease before he opened his mouth.  
  
"Thank you, thank you. Now, this little announcement is directed towards the Seventh Years, so if you are not you may let your minds wander or listen if you wish, but I ask that you remain silent," he said in his powerful voice. He smiled once more and continued. "As you know, this is your last year at Hogwarts, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I'm sad to see you go. In a couple weeks time you will walk these halls for the last time as a student here. But, I will save my rambling on for later, for I am sure you have better things to be doing this fine day. So," he said, clapping his hands together, "The point of this annoucement. In fourteen days we will be having a Graduate Ball. This will be a time for reflecting, socializing, and fun. Dress robes will be worn. There are notices posted in your common rooms, so I suggest it wise you take a look. Now, you may continue with your going ons."  
  
A Graduate Ball, huh?  
  
"So," Padfoot said, not wasting any time, "Who're you lot taking?"  
  
"Who said anything about taking a date?" Moony asked, looking up from his Daily Prophet.  
  
"Duh, it's a ball! You have to have a date. So, Moony, who'll it be? You and the Melissa Stevens gal have been pretty close lately," grinned Padfoot.  
  
"I'm her tutor," Moony snapped. But I smiled; he had started to blush.  
  
"What about you James?" Padfoot questioned, biting into yet another piece of toast.  
  
"Are you that thick, Sirius?" Moony asked.   
  
"Oh, whoops! Slipped my mind. I guess the question is how are you going about asking dear Lilykins," Padfoot said.  
  
"I dunno," I mumbled. "Look, I gotta go get my broom, I'll catch up with you later."  
  
Sure, it was a lie, but I needed to get out of there. I trooped up the stairs to the seventh floor and spoke the password to the Fat Lady. I climbed inside and headed straight for my favorite armchair by the fire and slammed myself down in it.  
  
I sat in silence, thinking about the question that played over and over in my mind.  
  
Should I ask Evans to the ball?   
  
I wanted to, of course, but should I? I mean, is it really worth another slap and stamp of rejection? This would be my last oppurtunity to ask Evans to go out before we graduated and moved on with our lives. I wanted us to move on together.  
  
I popped a hard candy into my mouth and sucked on it, thinking hard. Candy always helps me think. I stared blankly into the fireplace, weighing out the pros and cons.  
  
I finally decided what to do.  
  
I would ask Evans to go with me. But her answer would not only be deciding whether we would go to the ball together, it would also decide if I would continue pursuing her.  
  
If she said yes, I'd still have a chance.  
  
If she said no, I'd give up right then in there. Give up all seven years of chasing after Lily Evans.  
  
Now I just have to get the courage to ask her.


	3. Voice of Insanity

_**Lily**_

I stared sleepily out the window of the deserted common room. The weather was nice and it was early in the morning, meaning hardly any students were up, so I decided to grab one of my favorite books and head outside. I took in a breath of fresh morning air as I slowly walked across the silent grounds over to my favorite beech tree on the lake shore. Clutching my book I slid down the back of the tree into a sitting position. I let my gaze drift around the grounds. The morning dew was till wet on the untouched grass and the early morning sun light reflected off the lake. I even could have sworn I saw a quick whip of a tentacle.   
  
I sighed and looked down at the cover of _Reflections_, running a hand down the spine. It was a book of poems, written by any and all sorts of people, muggle people, about their thoughts on life. Not even bothering to open the book since I knew all the poems by heart I leaned my head against the tree and began to reflect on a couple of things going on in my life.  
  
Like graduation.  
  
It's my seventh year at Hogwarts. When exactly did _this_ happen? Just yesterday I was the scared little red head muggle born shaking violently as an old black hat was jammed on my head. It always brings a smirk to my face when I remember my eleven year old self thinking of all things to decide where we would reside for the next seven years of our lives the founders of Hogwarts picked an old, ragged hat. Why not do something more extravagant, like in the Sword and the Stone? Pulling a sword out of stone to determine something, in Arthur's case that he would be king, seemed much more exciting than putting on an old hat. "Not exciting, eh?" the hat said, a bit taken aback. "Name another time you've come across a talking hat! Although, your sword idea is interesting. I doubt that half you lot would be able to even lift a sword though." Grinning at the hat's response (and my reaction to the response), I looked back on the rest of my years at Hogwarts. A young, shy red head during my first and second years, a bit more outgoing in my third, bossy and sassy in my fourth and fifth, and maturing into a woman in my sixth. Now I'm seventeen, and confused. Nothing seems to be making sense anymore.  
  
Like James.  
  
I don't know what the Merlin has gotten into me lately. Maybe his deflated ego, or his charming smile I'm seeming to just now notice, or maybe it's those hazel eyes I always get lost in. Whatever it is, I'm captivated by it. And it's driving me insane. This is James Potter we're talking about! But there's something different about this James. New James. New James is nice and sweet and even somewhat polite, although he still acts like a seventeen year old boy. He doesn't curse and hex first years, and he's actually trying to do well on his school work. And his ego _has_ deflated. I closed my eyes and sighed once more, picturing James and I walking around the lake together, hand in hand, something I definately would not be doing this time last year. A smile grew on my face as I imagined James sitting down next to me, saying what he always did when he first saw me ("Hey Evans") in the soft, manly voice saved just for me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and opened my eyes, wishing it was real.  
  
Now I truly know what they mean by the saying be careful what you wish for.  
  
"Bloody hell James!" I screamed, standing up lightning fast. To my horror, there he was, sitting down centimeters from where I just was, decked in his Quidditch uniform, his arm still in the air where it had seconds ago been around my shoulders.  
  
"What?!" he asked, confused. I guess he would be, one minute my head's on his shoulder, one minute I'm ripping him a new one. Hell, just my head on his shoulder would be confusing to him. Pleasant, but confusing.  
  
"Don't what me! How dare you sneak up on me like that! Of all the nerve!" I snapped.   
"You're the one who put your head on my shoulder! I was just, you know, following your lead," James said sheepishly.  
  
"James Potter!" I exclaimed. Glaring at him I snatched up my book and stalked off towards the castle.   
  
"You know you liked it Evans!" he shouted after me.  
  
Fuming, I made my way up to the common room and hissed the password at the Fat Lady (who was very unhappy about my tone of voice, might I add), and up to my dorm, slamming the door behind me. By this time all of my roomates were down at breakfast, so I walked over to the window and sulked alone.  
  
I wasn't really mad at James. Not in the least bit. I was mad at myself. Embarrassed. Flustered. How had he known I was thinking about him? Could he read minds? Emotions? Wishes? I can't believe I put my head on his shoulder! Why did I do that?   
  
_Because you love him_, a small voice in the back of my mind whispered.  
  
Then why did I pull away?  
  
_Because you're scared he doesn't love you back_, the small voice said.  
  
But he does, he has since first year! I'm the one who's been awful to him!  
  
_But maybe_, the voice said, _after seven years of constantly hearing "Eat dung, Potter!", he's starting to give up.  
_  
I stared out the window and watched James hoist his broom over his back and begin to walk around the lake, kicking pebbles and sticks in his path angrily. The scene started to get blurry as I took the sleeve of my sweater up to my eyes, wiping them briskly.  
  
What if the voice is right?   
  
I stopped for a minute and thought.  
  
Voice...?  
  
Shit. I really am going insane.


	4. Eremophobia

**_Lily_**  
  
"Who's your date?"  
  
"Are you going to ask anyone?"  
  
"I hope Sirius asks me!"  
  
I was going to slap the next person who spoke those extremely annoying words. Especially the last phrase.  
  
Everywhere I went there were little groups of Sirius's giggling fan girls, trailing him around like some sort of celebrity. It was getting highly aggrivating, even to Sirius. He even took to hiding in the library, making it a total of three times he's ever set foot inside during his whole seven years here.   
  
I shook my head and made my way down the steps leading to the common room, glancing over to the notice board. Ever since Professor Dumbledore's announcement yesterday, which I missed, the notice board always had a small crowd around it. Not because of the Forbidden Items list posted by Mr.Pringle or the times of Quidditch matches, but because of that bloody Graduate Ball flyer. Even groups of first years stood excitedly at the board, pointing and giggling at the parchment.  
  
This ball was already getting on my nerves...  
  
"Lily!"  
  
"What?" I said, jerking my head away from the notice board. Melanie stood infront of me, books clutched in her hands and bag slung over her shoulder.  
  
"C'mon, we're gonna be late for Charms!" she said, linking her arm in mine and leading me out the common room.  
  
Apparently Melanie felt the exact opposite as me about the ball, considering she yakked my ear off all the way to Charms about who she wanted to ask her ("Remus is such a dreamboat, but I don't even think he knows I exist."). I was going to tell her he'd have to know she existed since he tutored her every evening, but I really did not want to hear another girlish giggle and more whining.  
  
We entered the classroom and Mel finally stopped talking about Remus (thank Melin) as we walked up the stairs to an empty table. That's when it happened.   
  
My insides felt like they were on a roller coaster. I froze up and felt a cold sweat on my forehead. My hands started to get warm and wet, and before I could stop it my book slipped, crashing on the ground.  
  
"Here, I'll get that."  
  
I gulped. It was all I could do.  
  
"You okay Evans? You don't look right," James said oddly, setting my book down on the table.  
  
"Er, um, yeah, fine. Just peachy! Thanks," I said quickly, slamming myself down in my seat. James raised an eyebrow at me and sat back down behind me in his seat next to Sirius.  
  
I glanced at Mel, who took no notice at the recent events. She was too busy staring at her dreamboat.  
  
I caught my breath and held my head in my hands. What the hell just happened? All I did was walk in, look at James, and..  
  
I stopped and rubbed my arms.  
  
James.   
  
Just thinking the name gave me goosebumps.  
  
I sat in silence the whole class, not even bothering to take notes. When Professor Flitwick had finally ended the lesson I stood up, grabbed my things, and not even waiting for Mel rushed out of there.  
  
I didn't stop running until I reached the large oak doors, made my way outside, and was sitting safely away from everyone on the lake shore. I dumped my things on the ground beside me and took my head in my hands.  
  
What the hell happened back there?   
  
Stomach turning, cold sweat, wet palms..  
  
Is it possible..?  
  
No.   
  
I do not love James Potter. Arrogant, bullying, self obsessed James Potter.   
  
But...  
  
That's not the New James.  
  
The New James and I sat together late at night in the common room, talking about the future, the past, our hopes, our fears, anything under the sun. And he was serious. I was serious. The New James stood up for first years who were being picked on. And from what I knew, the New James didn't even bother Severus as much any more.   
  
I looked at my reflection in the lake. Feiry red hair pulled back in a messy bun, my mother's eyes, and confused seventeen year old looked back at me. I felt something cold fall down my cheek and splash lightly on the water, rippling the surface and destroying the image.  
  
If I really did love James, why do I keep saying no to him? Is there something wrong with my brain and my heart? My heart says yes but my brain is stubborn. Why though?  
  
I sighed and sat back, thinking hard on the question. It wasn't that hard to figure out. I've never really had a relationship. I did really care for this one boyfriend last year, but when he broke it off with me I was deivstated. But the things I feel about James now...they were more than boyfriend feelings. Much more...  
  
The answer was clear to me.  
  
I was afraid. Afraid of love. Afraid of commitment. Afraid...of losing him.

* * *

Okay, I want to take a moment to recognize my reviewers, because without you guys I'd have no motivation to write more! :)  
  
Lesolitta: The first "chapter" was just something to give you an idea about what the story was going to be about, so I guess it doesn't really count as a chapter. And thank you for the compliments :)  
  
TeenTypist: Well, I try!  
  
Armadrieclya: Man-eating llamas! XD  
  
Book Lover990, rOkstA , and luv-tree: Thank you :D 


	5. The Opportune Moment

**_James_**  
  
"What'd you do to her Prongs?"   
  
"I dunno, Padfoot."  
  
I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, still in a bit of a daze. What _did_ I do?  
  
"Girls are so weird," Padfoot said as he and I followed the crowd out of the classroom. "One time I even had one follow me in the loo. Not like I minded or anything..." he smiled slyly.  
  
I nodded in agreement, not really understanding what I was nodding to. Why was Lily acting so weird? Sure she'd been acting strange before, but today...eesh. I asked Padfoot what he thought about the whole Lily thing.  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Moony asked, catching up with us outside the classroom.  
  
"What? That Lily is a total nutcase?" Padfoot asked.  
  
"You two are hopeless," Moony muttered, shaking his head.  
  
"That's why we have you," grinned Paddy. "So, tell us oh wise one, what is so obvious?"  
  
"If you two can't figure it out I'm not going to tell you," Moony said.   
  
I groaned.   
  
"Really!" Moony exclaimed. "You two really should pay more attention, I mean -"  
  
"Please Moony, spare us the lectures. I'm not in the mood to hear about how I should pay more attention or act more mature or -"  
  
"Go jump off a broom?" Padfoot suggested.  
  
"Yeah, or that," I grumbled.  
  
Moony rolled his eyes and walked off in a huff.  
  
"So," Padfoot said, turning to me. "When are you going to ask Looney Lilykins to the ball anyhow?"  
  
"I dunno. Waiting for the right moment," I replied.  
  
It was true. I didn't just want to walk up to her and ask her out like I did in the past. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect. I wanted the perfect timing, the location, everything. I wanted her to make sure she'd say yes.  
  
"Ah, gotcha. Well, c'mon, let's go get some lunch," Padfoot said. "I'm starving."

* * *

"How many times have I told you two not to get behind on your homework?" Moony asked exasperated.  
  
"How many times have we told you not to tell us?" Padfoot snapped.  
  
"Yeah Moony, lay off. There's not a lot of time left for homework while your trying to win the Quidditch Cup and be Head Boy," I grumbled.  
  
"That's no excuse for Sirius," Moony said.  
  
"I'll give you an excuse if you don't shut up," Padfoot growled.  
  
"Well then, I guess you don't want to see my notes. I'm off to bed," Moony said firmly.  
  
"Good ridance!" Sirius shouted, throwing a pillow at his back. "Like he'd let us see his notes anyways."  
  
I scratched my head and looked down at my parchment. I was supposed to be explaining about moon stone and it's properties, but for some reason I couldn't make anything come to mind. I sucked on my Sugar Quill and tapped my foot, trying to think.  
  
"Padfoot?" I asked hopefully. "You got anything?"  
  
"I was just going to ask you," Padfoot said. "And since when do you trust my answers?"  
  
"Since I became in need of getting this done so I can sleep," I said, yawning. I wasn't lying about the Quidditch and Head Boy bit. Hours on the Quidditch field and patroling the halls really did take a lot out of you.  
  
"I hear ya," Padfoot said, yawning as well. I looked around the common room. We were the only ones still up. "Infact, I'm going to bed right now. Even if I do finish this tonight, I doubt any of the answer I'd put would be right I'm so tired."  
  
"Padfoot," I teased, "Your answers aren't right anyways."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," he grinned. "Anyways, you coming?"  
  
"No, I gotta finish this tonight. I have Quidditch bright and early then Head Boy duties tomorrow. No time to finish it later," I scowled.  
  
"Want me to stay with you?" he asked, yawning again.  
  
"No, one of us should at least get some sleep," I said.  
  
"Alright then. See ya," Padfoot said, marching up the dorm steps.  
  
I sighed and looked back down at my essay. I dipped my quill (not my Sugar Quill) into the ink and began to write. The sooner I finished this, the sooner I could get to bed.  
  
Finally, well past midnight, I did it. Yawning, I rolled up my essay and slipped it in my bag along with my quill, ink, and books. I was about to get up when something caught my eye. Someone was coming down from the dorms. The girls dorms.  
  
"What...what're you doing up?" I asked as Lily sat down beside me on the couch.  
  
"I couldn't sleep," she said softly, smiling. "Why're you up?"  
  
"I've been up. Finishing my potions essay," I replied cautiously. I didn't want to say anything that might scare her off.  
  
"I still haven't done that," Lily said.  
  
"But it's due tomorrow," I said, a bit surprised.  
  
"I've had a lot on my mind," she answered, almost in a whisper. Then she laughed.  
  
"What?" I asked, now confused. Did I have ink on my face?  
  
"Oh, nothing. Really," she smiled warmly.   
  
I smiled back.   
  
Then it hit me.   
  
This was it.   
  
I looked into her eyes carefully. Her eyes were my favorite feature about her. Piercing emerald green, almond in shape, and always alive. I could've gotten lost in them..but I couldn't. Not now, anyways.   
  
"Hey, Evans," I said nervously. "Er, I mean, Lily. Whatever. Look..I was you know, kind of wondering if maybe, that is if you don't already have plans, if you'd..well..like to be my date to the Graduate Ball?" 


	6. Yellow

First off, thank you to everyone who pointed out I double posted a chapter. I dunno how it happened but not to worry, because it's fixed now! I probably wouldn't have figured it out without you guys being the ditz that I am so thanks again! :P And also thank you all for all of those encouraging reviews, it really made me feel good about myself :)   
  
Okay, next item. Tomorrow until sometime late next week I'll be on vacation in the Bahamas so I won't be able to update during then, but I promise the minute I get back I'll be right here, writing away.  
  
Now, enough of this, onto what you all have been waiting for! Enjoi :)

* * *

**_Lily  
_**  
It was as if someone had a giant remote control for life and had just pushed the pause button. Just like that the burning embers in the fire stopped crackling, James's chest stopped moving rapidly, my heart stopped beating as if it were going to explode right out of my chest. Then just as quickly as it stopped, the play button was pushed and everything came rushing at me. I took a small step backwards, catching my breath.  
  
James Potter just asked me to go to the Graduate Ball with him.   
  
I repeated that phrase over and over in my head until I realized I was still in the common room, and James was still staring at me, waiting for an answer. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if my throat would let me say anything. I wanted to look into his eyes, to wrap my arms around him and kiss him, just like in the actresses movies. But unfortunately I'm not an actress, so instead I fixed my gaze on his fuzzy red slippers and kept my arms folded across my chest. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to figure out what to say.  
  
"I..uh..er.."  
  
I swallowed again. I can do this, I thought. Just say it. Just say yes.   
  
"Ye..llow," I said blankly.  
  
"You okay?" James asked softly, holding out his hand. I stepped out of reach.  
  
And if that wasn't bad enough, then I did the unthinkable.  
  
I ran.  
  
I ran all the way up the stairs to the girls dormitory and to my bed, flinging myself down on it and pulling my duvet over my head.  
  
And that's where I lay now, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  
  
Yellow, I ask you. Yellow!  
  
I might as well just die now. Just sink right through the bed into the pits of hell, where I may burn forever.   
  
There I was. Standing alone in the common room with James. Being asked by him to the ball. And I said yellow.   
  
Yellow! I couldn't even manage to screw up my life with a decent color.  
  
I rolled over on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I want to be with him. It took me seven years to figure it out, but I finally did. And now, when I get the oppurtunity to have a wish come true, I completely mess it up. Typical me.   
  
And poor James..  
  
If I was confused by this, he must be ten times more. I wonder if he's still in the common room, marveling at what the word yellow might mean (or how stupid I must be for saying it). I wonder how he put up with me all these years.  
  
I groaned, laying my head down on my pillow.  
  
I blew it. Blew any chance of going to the ball with James. He must think I'm a total git, not even answering him. I commited the worst thing you can do in my situation. A stutter and run. No, a color and run. I felt my eyes glaze over and my cheeks started to get wet. Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I just say yes? A three letter, one syllable, y-e-s! Or even yeah! But no, that would be too simple for Lily Evans. I have to not only ruin my chances with James, but completely embarrass myself in the process!   
  
My pillow was no longer under my head, but under my fists. Once I had finished taking out all my anger I collapsed, letting the tears flow. I silently cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Not only over James, but in frustration with myself. When the tears had finally stopped I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I'll just have to face it.   
  
I lost him.  
  
I blew it.  
  
Unless..  
  
But maybe...  
  
I sat up in bed. Maybe I didn't blow it. Maybe there's still a chance. If I really did love James, I'm not going to lie here in bed and feel sorry myself. I screwed up. So, I'll make it better. But I can't be nervous. No more shy girl. Tomorrow I'm going to march right up to James and explain to him that I wasn't myself tonight (sometimes you have to bend the truth!) and that I would love to go the the ball with him.   
  
Yes, that's what I'll do. If not, I may never get another chance with James again. With that thought in mind, I'm sure I'll be able to do it.   
  
Smiling slightly, I climbed out of bed and crept over to my wardrobe, slowly pulling open the doors. I sat down on the floor and at two o'clock in the morning I took out every piece of yellow clothing I own and dumped them into a trash bag, planning on burning it the next day. 


	7. Without Her

I managed to write this chapter before I have to leave for vacation so hopefully you can wait until next week for chapter seven! Sorry in advanced if there's any spelling errors or anything, I didn't have time to quadruple check it today (and my old computer only has WordPad so no spell check for me .). Love you all :)

* * *

_**James  
**_  
There was only one word to describe it.  
  
Numb.  
  
I couldn't feel anything. I was stunned. Frozen.   
  
Confused.  
  
I didn't know what to do expect to just stand there. I didn't move from that spot for at least twenty minutes. I was just there, staring, hoping that maybe I would just stop. Just cease to exist all together. I didn't want to move an inch, because when I did, I knew the enevitable would happen. I would have to move on.  
  
Without her.  
  
After what seemed like years I somehow managed to gain feeling back in my legs and I slowly made my way up the stairs, not really paying attention to where I was going but knowing where my destination was all the same. I don't remember walking up the stairs, into the dorm, and flopping down on my bed, yet here I am.  
  
Without her.  
  
The words still didn't sink in. It was kind of like calling out to someone with the same name as you. It just wasn't right.   
  
Right.  
  
What didn't I do right? I wasn't forward, I asked politely, well, as politely as I could while feeling like my stomach was going to explode. I just don't understand. And what was with yellow? Was it some sort of code word? No, you're too yellow to go out with, I want someone more green. What the hell?   
  
And why did she run?  
  
That was what bothered me most. She didn't even look at me. She just ran. And boy could that girl run. Why couldn't she though with those legs...  
  
I heaved a sigh and stared up at my ceiling. There was a huge knot in my chest, making it hard to breath. I kind of wish the knot would grow so I wouldn't be able to breath any more. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this, any of this, any more. It shouldn't be this way. This hard. I rolled over on my side and rested my head on my pillow. My eyes fell on Padfoot, asleep in his bed. It wasn't hard for Padfoot. He could get any girl he wanted. All he had to do was wink.   
  
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. I don't know what to do.  
  
Should I really keep my promise?  
  
Should I really give up?  
  
A simple question with the hardest answer you can imagine. It reminded me of the talks I had with Lily. We would always ask each other questions, questions I would never ask anyone else. We'd be patroling the halls late at night together, her being Head Girl and me Head Boy, and she'd just ask me things I never really thought about before. Where did I see myself in twenty years? What would it be like living in the founders time? Do I want kids? What would I name them? It sounds kind of corny, but I really love talking with her. Meaningful talks. And she makes my answers seem like they really mean something, even if sometimes they do stink. And she has the most wonderful voice, calm and soothing, sure of life. Her answers always follow a long silence, always having so much thought put into them. It was comforting, talking with Lily. Listening to Lily. Being with Lily.   
  
But maybe that wasn't an option. Maybe I couldn't be with her. After all, I tried for seven years, and look where I am.   
  
Without her.  
  
Something cold and wet rolled down my cheek.   
  
Lily just doesn't feel the same about me. You'd think after seven years she'd develop feelings for me, more than friend feelings, but I guess not. I guess it's just not meant to be.  
  
At this point, I didn't care. I just allowed the tears to fall. Just silently roll down my cheek, soaking my pillow, letting it all out. Everything. My frustration at myself, knowing that I wasn't good enough, at Lily because I couldn't get her to like me, and even at Padfoot because he got any girl he fancied. I cried in anger, because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't seem to get her, because I wasted seven years trying to reach the unreachable, because I went for the impossible and failed. But most of all I cried in sadness, because I realized the truth.  
  
I was meant to be without her. 


	8. Perfect Disaster

I'm back from vacay! Yay! Sorry for making you all wait so long...but no worries! Chapter seven is here. Woo! Oh, and just incase anyone is wondering, the QuickEdit thing is a bit weird. Sometimes I can get the names centered, and others times I have to put the names the the left or else the whole story will be centered. This time it decided to play nice :) Anyways, enough babbling. Onto the chapter!

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_****_

_****_

_**Lily**_

I woke up the next morning, or should I say afternoon (around noon actually), with no memory of what happened last night. Then suddenly, as if a dam had just broke and water blasted through, I remembered. A groan escaped my lips as my eyes traveled to the corner, where a big black plastic bag sat. Damn that color. Damn that night. Damn it all.  
  
But, no worries.  
  
Soon it will all be okay.  
  
Soon, I will tell James everything. That I'm sorry, that I realized after seven years I'm madly in love, that I would love love love to go to the ball with him. The tricky part is the telling him bit. I know I can do it, I've been up all night and early morning practicing what to say. But it's a lot easier to say stuff into the empty darkness then to the actual person. What if I mess up? What if I run? What if I say another color? What if I don't say anything at all?  
  
I groaned again.  
  
Why am I this..._weird_!  
  
I walked over to my wardrobe and dressed myself (no, not in anything yellow). I stood in front of the mirror and brushed my hair, thinking of what to do. How can I tell him? Should I have him sit on me so I can't go anywhere? But even so, how can I be sure I'll talk? I don't want to screw this up. I _can't_ screw this up!  
  
My eyes traveled around the dorm in hopes of finding something, anything, to help me. Cindy's unmade bed, a shoe, my desk and some parchment...  
  
Ding ding ding!  
  
Parchment! I'll write him a note!  
  
I almost shrieked with joy. Of course! Why hadn't I thought about this before? A note would be perfect! I can't stutter, run, not speak, or blab out random things! I can write whatever I want, exacltly how I want it. Fool proof. Perfect.  
  
I hurriedly plopped myself down at the desk, grabbed a quill and ink, and began to plot out what I should write. After about an hour I had it just how I wanted it, covering everything I would say if I had the gift of understandable speech. Grinning I slipped it in an envelope and sealed it with a charm so only James could open it. Could you imagine what would happen if someone like Sirius got their hands on it? Just the thought gives me shivers.   
  
Now, what to do with it?  
  
I stood up and made my way down to the common room. Everyone was probably at lunch now, so the boys dorm would be safe. I didn't want to give James the note in person because he's almost always surrounded by a group of people, and the embarrasment would probably kill me. So, I decided to put it in his dorm. Thank Merlin the founders didn't put the same spell on the boys stairs as they did the girls. I walked up to the seventh year dorm and slowly opened the door. The coast was clear. I tiptoed in and made my way over to James's bed. Even though I had never been in there before, it wasn't hard to tell whose bed was whose. James's had Quidditch posters all over his wall, Sirius had a Witch of the Week calendar on his, Remus had a Anais Nin book on his bedstand, and Peter had Bertie Bott's boxes littering his duvet. Smiling slightly at the decor I placed the envelope containing my confessions neatly on James's duvet. I had butterflies like you wouldn't believe and I was sweating something dreadful, but I did it. And before I thought otherwise, or I got caught, I high tailed it out of there and into the safety of the common room.  
  
I checked my watch as I walked down the steps. Almost two! My stomach begged for feeding so I exited the portrait and walked the corridors leading to the Great Hall. I couldn't help but smile. What could go wrong? James would soon know my true feelings, and if all went right would ask me to the ball again. I'd say yes, and que the happily ever after.   
  
How awfully wrong I was.  
  
On my way to the Great Hall I passed a group of sixth year girls, babbling and gossiping like most of the female race in the school. I applauded myself that I passed that stage in third year.   
  
"She's so lucky!"  
  
"I'd give anything to be her!"  
  
"I know! Girlfriend of James Potter!"  
  
"Just thinking about it gives me the chills!"  
  
The girls rounded the corner and I stopped dead in my tracks. Did they say James Potter? And girlfriend? In the same sentance? I quickened my pace to the Great Hall.  
  
No...  
  
It couldn't be...  
  
I entered the hall and looked frantically around. It was a sea of black, making it hard to pin point one person. Or two. But there he was. At the Gryffindor Table. Arm around the waist of a tall, blonde girl.   
  
I literally felt my heart break.   
  
No...this couldn't be happening...not after I...no...  
  
But it was. I saw it with my own two eyes. James. With another girl. Not me. Another girl. Suddenly James turned, as if he sensed my presence. We made eye contact. I felt as if I would die. I turn on my heel and ran, something I've been getting pretty good at.  
  
I ran all the way to the common room. One thought crossed my mind. The letter. I had to get the letter. I was just about to make my way up the stairs when something stopped me. Sirius and Remus were already walking up the stairs, up to their dorm.   
  
Shit.  
  
No! This can't be happening! I let out a tiny scream and fell to my knees. Remus must've heard me because he turned and stared at me oddly.  
  
"Lily?" he called out, concerned.  
  
I looked up, not realizing that he saw me. Merde! Gathering my strength I pulled my self up and ran across the common room the the girls dorm, not stopping till I reached the comfort of my own bed.   
  
Once there, I let it out. Again. I cried and cried until my eyes were out of tears and I couldn't sob anymore. Why? That was all I could manage. Why? Why, when I finally realize how to make things right, it all goes terribly wrong? Terribly, terribly wrong...  
  
Everything that could go wrong, did.   
  
It just plain sucked. No, it beyond sucked. There wasn't even a word to describe it.   
  
James had a girlfriend. A beautiful, more than anything I could be girlfriend.   
  
I waited too long.  
  
I blew it.  
  
James isn't mine anymore.  
  
I choked on the words.   
  
There was something wrong with that sentance.  
  
James wasn't mine to begin with.  
  
And just when I thought my eyes were out of tears, I began to cry again.


	9. Broken Promises

**_James_**  
  
What was it? I couldn't quite figure it out.  
  
That afternoon in the Great Hall, something made my whole body feel numb. It sent something cold shooting through my spine, creating goosebumps and making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I got butterflies, but not the good kind. The kind that feel like rabid, zombie butterflies eating away at your insides. That something was Lily. That look she gave me...I couldn't get it out of my mind. It was forever there, as if carved in the back of my head. Burned in the inside of my eyelids. The look in her eyes...it made me want to cry. I can't quite describe it. It was sadness, terror, and something else combined into one. Why had she looked at me like that though? One thing I know for sure...the minute we made eye contact, I wanted to be with her. Next to her. Protecting her, comforting her, chasing away whatever made her look that way. I had never seen such an emotion in her eyes.   
  
It scared me.  
  
I know I should go find her, see if she's okay, but I can't. I know if I do, I'll break my promise to myself. I have to stay away from her. I have to get over her.  
  
"James?"  
  
Her voice brought my back to reality. I looked to my right and saw her sitting there next to me on the lake shore, looking up at me with concerned eyes. Sadly, they weren't the eyes I wanted to be looking into.  
  
"Yes Brooke?" I asked, putting an arm around her.  
  
"Are you okay hun?" she asked, leaning her head on my shoulder.  
  
"Yeah. Long Quidditch practice. Took a lot out of me," I replied, faking a yawn.  
  
That seemed to satisfy her because she went back to her essay, leaving me to return to my thoughts. In order to help me get over Lily, I decided to try and find someone else. Namely, Brooke Mayfield. Brooke was a nice girl, beautiful, caring, but she could never be Lily. I felt kind of bad; it was almost if I was using her. In a way, I was. Using her to get over Lily. I didn't really care for her...she was more of a distraction than anything. But hopefully it'll work; I don't want to experience the pain I'm feeling much longer. It's begining to kill me...literally. I'm like a blob. Not my normal self, as anyone could tell you.  
  
I sighed and absentmindedly twirled a strand of Brooke's hair. The ball was tomorrow night. I wonder if Lily has a date? Secretly, I hope she doesn't, but if she does, I can only hope he treats her with all the respect and love that I would have, that I still do, even though it's impossible. No one can love Lily like I do. Like I did...  
  
I heaved yet another sigh and stood up, startling Brooke. She began to stand too, but I stopped her.  
  
"Listen, I need to go take a nap. I'll meet up with you later, k?"  
  
"I could come with you. Rub your back if you like, that's sure to help after a long Quidditch practice," Brooke smiled.   
  
"No, thanks, I need to be alone right now," I replied. She looked a bit offended, so I gave her a quick kiss. She smiled, so I took it that I mended the damage and made my way inside.  
  
I planned on just walking around, clearing my head, but a nap started to sound pretty appetizing. So, instead of wandering empty corridors, I entered the portrait to the common room and climbed the stairs to my dorm. I walked over to my bed and plopped down, thankful that the Marauders were out doing their own thing and I had the room to myself. I yawned and slowly lay my head down on my pillow. It was a second before a felt it. Something odd. I picked my head up and looked down.  
  
There was an envelope. On the front, in shining emerald cursive, was my name. What the hell? This better not be another joke from Padfoot. I really wasn't in the mood for a stink pellet surprise.  
  
I opened the envelope and out fell a neatly folded letter. Curious, I opened it and began reading. Tears filled my eyes as I read, dropping onto the parchment but somehow not smearing the ink. I couldn't believe what I read, so I read it again. And again. And again.   
  
Was this true? Could it be true?   
  
Suddenly I jumped to my feet.  
  
Screw my promise. I had to find Lily.


	10. Easier Said Than Done

_**Lily  
**_  
I spent the whole afternoon crying. Thank Merlin I didn't have any classes, who knows what condition I'd be in. I let the tears fall like there was no tomorrow. It just wasn't right. It wasn't supposed to be like this. All the movies, all the romance novels, all the plays, they all ended right. But no, not life. Not my life at least. It was the absolute opposite, and it wasn't fair. But as a wise man, or should I say pessimistic man, once said: Life isn't fair. How true. How horribly, horribly true.  
  
I let out a small gasp as I remembered something else.  
  
The ball was tomorrow night. I couldn't stand the thought. How could I go? I'm a total wreck. Why would I want to go? No James, no happiness, no anything. Que more tears.  
  
I didn't know what time it was, but it was after dinner. The dormitory door opened, and in came the voice of my savior.  
  
"Lily Elizabeth Evans!"  
  
I raised my head slightly off my pillow to see a blurred version of my best friend stomping over to me, looking less than pleased.  
  
"Cin?"  
  
"Lily! Look at you! You're an absolute mess! I've never seen you like this. Did someone die?" Cindy demanded, sitting on the edge of my bed.  
  
I thought about this for a moment. In all truth, someone did die. Me. Or at least, a part of me. But I really, really didn't feel like talking about it, not even to Cin.  
  
"No," I sniffed, sitting up. "I don't want to talk about it Cin."  
  
"Aha! Boy troubles. Been there. Not fun. You don't have to tell me about it, I totally understand about that. But what you _do_ need to do is stop moping around. Rule number one: Never, ever cry over a boy. Why? Here's one of my favorite quotes, it should help explain. 'No guy is worth crying over, and when you find one that is he won't make you cry.' Now, what do we do?" Cin asked, holding my hand.  
  
I could've cried. Not sad cry, thankful cry. Thankful that I had a friend as great as Cin. She was always there for me, without a doubt. Sure, she was a bit wild, but when it came down to it she was always by my side. And boy did I need someone by my side now.  
  
"I love you Cin," I smiled through my tears.   
  
"I love you too hun. So," she said, wiping away my tears, "I don't know what in the world this guy did to make you act like this, but if I ever find out who it was, I will personally open a can of whoop-ass on his ass." I couldn't help but laugh. "There! See? Better already. Okay, next step. You're going to get out of bed, take a nice, hot bath, and blast your favorite music. Then you will wrap yourself in my comfy bath robe you like so much and I will give you my world famous pedicure and we'll pig out on chocolate. Sound like a plan?"  
  
"Sounds perfect," I grinned, pulling her into a huge hug.  
  
"I know, aren't I?" Cin joked. "Okay, now, bath missy!"  
  
I climbed out of bed and grabbed Cin's robe, then walked out of the dorm into the common room. I was especially thankful now more than ever that I was Head Girl, meaning I got to use the Head loos. I made my way out of the common room and into the empty corridor, heading to the fifth floor. Finally I reached it. Two doors, made of oak. One with 'HG' in gold, the other with 'HB' in gold. I felt my stomach leap at the Head Boy door, James's door, but I tried my best to ignore it. I stepped inside my bathroom and closed and locked the door. I hung the bath robe on the coat rack and turned on the bath water. Then I flicked my wand and blasted my favorite muggle music. For my bath I chose Lavender clouds, pink bubbles, and a soothing Jasmine bath water. How nice being Head Girl was. Even better than prefect.  
  
I undressed and eased myself into the hot bath. So relaxing, so nice. I did a couple of laps to get used to the water and came to a rest in the corner seat, laying my head on the head rest.   
  
Why am I such a scaredy cat? Why couldn't I just say yes? Then I wouldn't have to go through this. I would be James's girlfriend, not the beautiful blonde. Why do I have to be afraid? It's ridiculous. I'm afraid of commitment. Wait, that's not it. I want commitment. It's the non-commitment I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of loosing. Loss. What if I did get together with James? I love him so much...I couldn't bare it if we broke up.  
  
But I won't have to, since I blew any chance of hooking up in the first place. I was so afraid of loosing him that I didn't go with him, but by not going with him I encountered the very thing I feared and was trying to avoid - loosing him. I did just that. Lost him. And I wasn't even with him.   
  
I groaned and dunked myself under the water. After a few seconds I came back to the surface, combing hair out of my face.   
  
And what about the letter?  
  
The thought made me feel sick. He's bound to have read it by now. I'm such an_ idiot_! What would he think? Stupid Lily, I've already moved on to bigger and better things. That's it. And he'd have a good laugh. Maybe even show the letter to his mates. Why didn't I put a Secret Charm on it? _Stupid_! I'll never be able to show my face to James again.   
  
I dunked myself under again.   
  
Okay. Breathe.  
  
I _can_ do this. I_ will_ be okay.  
  
I'll just have to face it. I lost him. I lost James Potter. James has a girlfriend now. Not me, another girl. I had years and years to accept his offer of a relationship but I denied each time. It's only natural for him to move on. I don't blame him. I blame myself. But we won't go there.  
  
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I went through this. This will be it. I will let it all out, right here, right now. When I leave this room, I will be leaving all my feelings for James with it, never to return.  
  
James has moved on. So should I.  
  
I kept repeating the phrase over and over in my mind all the way through my bath, during the walk back to the dorm, and all the while I was with Cin.  
  
Some things are easier said than done.


	11. Running Out of Time

To ALL of my reviewers: I love, love, love you! It brings a smile to my face every time I open yahoo mail and I see ]Review Alert! in my inbox. Without you, my story would mean nothing, and I thank you a million times for taking the time to review. What's more, they're nice reviews! I must be doing something right, eh? :D

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_**James**_  
  
I opened my eyes, but saw nothing. Darkness. Matched my emotions, really. I lifted my head and look around. Somehow I managed to fall off the couch and cocoon myself up in my blanket. I always did have weird sleeping habits.  
  
I untangled myself and stood up, yawning and stretching. I came in so late last night I didn't want to disturb anyone, so I just slept on the couch. I don't know why I stayed up so late searching for her, it's not like she'd be up that late. But I guess there was a glimmer of hope inside me that wished she was up. Something I've learned over thhe years: hope is useless. It just gets you all worked up over something to find out soon later it's nothing like you thought it would be. Hope. Feh.  
  
I reminded myself of someone Lily was telling me about one time. Well, it was a play actually, but I was referring to a character in the play. Mr. Scrouge I think his name was. I remembered because I thought his "Bah humbug!" phrase was neat. Not the most cheerful, but neat. I wondered how someone could be so grumpy over something so wonderful. Now I know how he feels. Except at the end of his story is a happy ending. Happy ending. Feh. Nothing was too happy about my ending to last night.  
  
I must've searched every nook and cranny, every secret passage, every usual and unusual hang out and I still didn't find her. I would've used our map, but unfortunately Moony keeps it when not in use (incase Padfoot and I get in trouble with a teacher and they search us) and I couldn't find him either.   
  
So, like countless times before, here I am. Dead end. No Lily.  
  
I held back a frustrated yell and thought about going upstairs to change, but decided to go down to breakfast in my pajamas. Who cares? I sure as hell don't. I made my way down to the Great Hall for breakfast, hand shoved in my pocket, grasping onto the letter. No, it was more than just a letter. It was reassurance, comfort, love. It was Lily. I still couldn't believe the letter though. After seven years, she chooses now to admit to me she returns my feelings? How long has she loved me back? Is this even her letter or a cruel, cruel prank?  
  
I sighed in frustration and collapsed into my seat at Gryffindor table, looking around in hopes I'd see that familiar red head of hair and smiling emerald eyes, but no such luck. I've noticed luck wasn't a strong point of mine at the moment. I did however see Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail sitting a couple seats down from me. I really didn't feel like pretending to be happy or "talking about it" as Moony always likes to say, so I got up without breakfast and went to the Entrance Hall to sit and think.  
  
Tonight was ball night. I needed to find Lily now more than ever. Does she have a date? If not, what about Brooke? Should I dump her? What if I pour my heart out to Lily and ask her to the ball, and she didn't even write the letter? The questions swarmed in my head, making it hard to concentrate on much of anything.   
  
"James?"  
  
Could it be?  
  
"James...?"  
  
I know that voice.  
  
"Lily?" I exclaimed, jumping to my feet.  
  
"Who?" asked Brooke, taking my hand. "Are you feeling okay?"  
  
I looked into Brooke's eyes and my heart sank. I must've been wanting to see Lily so badly I mistook Brooke for her. Damn.  
  
"Yeah, fine, just a head cold," I mumbled.   
  
"Aw, hopefully you'll be better by tonight. Need anything?"  
  
I shook my head, even though it was a lie. I did need something. Lily.   
  
"Look Brooke, I need to, er, get some stuff ready for tonight. I'll see you later?" I asked, kissing her cheek.  
  
"Yeah, okay," she said, trying to smile.   
  
I quickly exited out of there before I had time to feel guilty for leading Brooke on. I really should let her go, it's not fair. Not fair to her or me. But I don't think I can take another heart break, even if it's not my heart breaking.   
  
I walked back up to the common room, hoping and praying Lily was there. I looked everywhere, but she was no where in sight. I looked to the stairs of the girls dorm. Damn those founders! Cursing under my breath I plopped down in an empty chair in the corner, away from the small groups who hadn't gone down to breakfast yet.  
  
Where is that girl? I don't think I've ever wanted to see someone so badly before. It was tearing me up. She was so close, but so far away. Somewhere in the castle, but where? If only she knew I was looking for her. Damn it Lily!   
  
I racked my brain. I needed to talk to her. I looked everywhere and found nothing. The Quidditch pitch, although I doubt she'd be there, the dungeons, the towers, the empty corridors, the common room, classrooms, hell, I even checked the girls loos! Where else hadn't I checked? Nowhere! Well, I'd checked all the places she'd have access to anyways. All but one.  
  
The only place she could be was the girls dorms. I cursed the founders once again, glaring at the staircase. The only thing to do would be to sit here and wait for her. I'd wait forever if I had to.  
  
There was only one problem. I couldn't wait forever.  
  
Tonight was the ball.   
  
I was running out of time... 


	12. High Expectations

Good news: Long chapter! Enjoy :D

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_**Lily**_  
  
It was the day of the ball. I'd already made my mind up last night that I was going to stay in my dorm all day in hopes to avoid James. I really didn't feel like seeing him with his girlfriend, or even taking the chance that he read my letter and made me the laughing stock of the school. No, I was playing it safe. Cin was against it, but I just pretended to sleep in so she'd leave me alone. I love her, but sometimes I know what's best for myself better than she does.  
  
Anyways, I was reading a novel when I heard a tap on the dormitory door.  
  
"Come in!"  
  
The door opened and to my (great) surprise, in walked Professor McGonagall. What in the world was she doing here? Was she allowed to be here? I never heard of a teacher in the dorms room yes, dorms no.  
  
"Goodness Ms. Evans, I've been looking all over for you! I'd think on the day of the ball you'd be out socializing," McGonagall said.   
  
"Oh, no, I'm just catching up on some stuff," I said a bit more quickly than I would've liked.  
  
"Well, Professor Dumbledore would like a word with you. Come with me please."  
  
The look of surprise I tried to disguise must've shown through.  
  
"Don't worry, you're not in trouble," she said, slightly smiling.  
  
Nonetheless, I was still nervous. I book marked my book and slipped out of the dorm behind Professor McGonagall. Why did Professor Dumbledore need to see me? What did I do? I racked and racked my brain, but I couldn't think of anything. I hadn't missed an assignment, I didn't skip any watch posts...what was it?  
  
"Acid pop," Professor McGonagall said.  
  
"What?"  
  
We had come to a stop in front of a stone gargoyle. No sooner had I questioned what Professor had said the gargoyle that was once stationary came to life before my very eyes, leaping to the side and revealing a circling stair case, much like a muggle escalator. I stepped onto it with McGonagall and was carried to the top, reaching a large oak door. Professor McGonagall hit the brass door knocker twice and I heard a click - the door had opened. She lead me inside.  
  
So this was Dumbledore's office?  
  
"Ah, Miss Evans. We've been waiting for you," Professor Dumbledore said, hands folded on his desk and eyes twinkling as usual.  
  
We?  
  
To my undisguised horror, there was James, sitting comfortably in a chair in front of Dumbledore's desk, slightly smiling at me. And I was to sit in the chair beside him. Oh. My. Gosh. Reluctantly I took my seat next to James, not even sparing him a glance. As much as I wanted to hate him, as much I wanted to completely ignore him, I couldn't. I just couldn't. It wasn't something my mind could, my heart could do. I still had feelings for him, damn it all. And boy were they feelings.  
  
"Miss Evans?"  
  
Professor Dumbledore's voice shook me out of my thoughts.  
  
"Now that both of you are here, I can explain why I summoned you. As you well know, tonight is the Graduate Ball. And as you are aware, you are the resident Head Girl and Head Boy here at Hogwarts. As the Heads, I would very much appriciate it if you did two things tonight at the ball. Number one: Say a few words. I'm not asking for a Goblin Convention of 360 speech, but a few choice words on gradutation, your experience at Hogwarts, subjects along that line would be lovely. I know this is short notice, but like I said, I do not expect you to each give a three hour speech. What kind of ball would that be?" he smiled his smiley smile (which I loathe), then continued. "And, number two: kick off the festivities. I would like you two to do an opening dance. You do not have to dance the whole song, just long enough to open the floor for others to join."  
  
No way. I stared in disbelief at Dumbledore. How? Why? I had been the ideal student! I hadn't stepped a toe out of line! I turned in my assignments on time, sometimes earlier! I did extra credit on the extra credit! What had I done to deserve this?  
  
"Well, if you both are alright with my requests, you are free to go," Dumbledore said, smiling.  
  
No I most certainly was not alright with his requests! But did I say so? Of course not. Why? I still don't really know. I think it had to do with me being Head Girl. When accepting the title, I accepted all the responsibilities that went with it. But mostly, it was because of James. Damn my feelings!   
  
I looked at James. He was staring at me. Shoot. I jumped to my feet and quickly walked to the door, hoping I'd be able to get out of there before he could say anything to me. The last thing I needed right now was him telling me how nonsense my letter was, how stupid I was to even think he still had feelings for me after I shot him down countless times for seven full years. My eyes were watering again. Could this get any worse?  
  
"Lily! Hey, Lily!"  
  
I was this close to breaking into a run down the rest of the stairs.  
  
"C'mon Evans," James shouted.  
  
Evans. His pet name for me. My stomach did a roller coaster. Damn!  
  
"What?" I snapped, turning around. I wasn't going to lower my shields. I wasn't going to show him weakness. So he read my letter. So he has a girlfriend. I'm doing just fine.   
  
Ha.  
  
It took every ounce of strength I had not to burst out in tears when my eyes rested on him. I missed those hazel orbs, that untidy black hair, that athletic, strong body. No longer mine. Never mine. Suddenly, my eyes locked with his. I think my heart stopped.   
  
"Evans," he said in his deep, smooth, soothing voice. I missed that voice.   
  
"Hnm?" I said, barely audible. For some reason, I couldn't remember to be mean. I couldn't even manage distinguishable speech for that matter.  
  
He took a step closer to me. I didn't step away. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face, count the number of golden flecks in his eyes. It felt nice to be this near. Too bad it didn't last very long.  
  
"Potter, Evans," came a stern voice from up the stairs. We both turned our heads to spot Professor McGonagall coming towards us. "What're you still doing here?"  
  
"Nothing Professor, I was just asking Lily what she was going to say tonight," James said calmly. "You know, so we don't repeat each other."  
  
"Very well, but do it somewhere else? The staircase to the Headmaster's office isn't a very commendable social spot."  
  
James nodded and lead the way out into the corridor. My God, he was handsome.  
  
Get a grip, girl. This is James Potter. James Potter who is no longer single.  
  
We stood there together, out in the empty corridor, not sure of what to do next. I wanted so badly to go, to get away from all this embarrassment, this torture, but at the same time I wanted to stay and be with the man I knew I couldn't have, even if we were only standing in a corridor together. It was better than me sitting alone in my dormitory. Finally James made a move. He looked at his watch. Then he made eye contact with me. There goes my heart again. If he does much more of this, I might have a heart attack before I can even get ready for the ball.  
  
"Well Evans, I've got to go get ready for the ball. I guess I'll see you at our dance?" he said, in a tone that I couldn't quite recognize. All I could manage was to nod. He gave me one last look that I couldn't seem to register and took off down the hall.   
  
I stared after him, watching his perfect frame round the corner out of my sight. I gulped, forcing down a sob. What did I expect? For him to tell him he had gotten my letter, that he not only loved it, but love me? Now way. He has a girlfriend. If he felt that way about me, he wouldn't be in another relationship.  
  
I slowly made my way up to the dorm, on my way to get ready for the ball. Silent tears fell down my cheeks and rolled off my chin.   
  
That's exactly what I had expected. Or at least wished for.   
  
Too bad wishes don't come true. 


	13. Let Freedom Ring

Sorry this one's kinda short, but have no fear! The next one shall be much longer :D

* * *

_**James**_  
  
It took all the self control I had not to kiss Lily in the corridor. I didn't think I could love her anymore than I already do, but standing that close to her made my stomach squirm ten times more than normal, my heart beat ten times faster, and my palms sweat more than they ever have in a Quidditch match. It was almost unbearble.   
  
I walked the empty corridors back up to the common room, completely pissed at myself for running away like I had. There I was, standing centimeters away from the girl I'd been searching for all of last night and today, and I make up some lame excuse and bolt. For some reason, I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth. Lily, I read your letter. I love you too. Why was that so hard to say?   
  
Brooke. That's why it was hard. As much as I loved Lily, Brooke had was really great. I'd never feel the way about her like I do Lily, but she was an awesome person. I loved her, but in a different way. In the same way I love Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail. Like a friend. She'd tried her best to be a good girlfriend and I'd just push her away, not paying her any attention. I felt a wave of guilt pass over me. I had to break up with her. I couldn't lead her on anymore. Yeah, it's the night of the ball, but I can't go on with this anymore. I have to tell her.  
  
The fat lady's portrait swung open and I stepped through, entering the common room. Or should I say hell.  
  
Everyone was running around frantically in every which way, some half dressed, some fully dressed, and some people just wrapped in towels looking like they'd just come out of the bath. They were screaming and shrieking and yelling, all in some sort of mad rush. Items were being flung through the air and the recipients often didn't realize they were being sent something until the object collided with their head. I watched the scene before me, eyes wide open. Bloody hell?  
  
"James! I've been waiting for you forever!"   
  
I looked around and spotted Brooke, running up to my side (fully dressed) and latching on to my arm.  
  
"What?" I asked, a tinge of guilt in my gut.   
  
"I need to talk to you," she said softly, leading me over to a couch away from the chaos. I took a seat beside her, wondering what she was possibly going to say.  
  
"Look, James, I'm sure under other circumstances you'd be a terrific boyfriend, but I can't go out with you any longer," she said, looking into my eyes. She had guts at least, most girls just look at the floor.  
  
"What do you mean, other circumstances?" I asked, a bit surprised. Was _she_ breaking up with _me_?  
  
"I mean if you didn't love Lily," she smiled. She must've seen the shock on my face. "No, it's alright. Everyone has known you've loved her ever since fifth year. I was a fool to think that you were over her."  
  
"You're anything but a fool," I said. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have kept this going, but I'm having some trouble with Lily, and I thought that by getting a girlfriend I'd forget about her. I guess it didn't really work. I'm really sorry."  
  
"Like I said, it's alright. Serisouly," she grinned. "So are we okay?"  
  
"Perfect," I smiled.   
  
"Sounds good! Now, I'm going to try and make it safely across the common room to my dorm and get ready for the ball. Pray that I make it in one piece?" she winked.  
  
I waved and watched her weave in and out of the madness, a slight smile on my face. Life was so unpredictable. Here I was, all prepared it break it off with her, when she switches it around and dumps me. I chuckled to myself. Was it that obvious how bad I had it for Lily? Thank God Brooke was so calm and understanding. Even after I had led her on like that. I smiled and stood up, making my way through the sea of insanity to my dorm. One thought stuck in my mind as I made my way up the stairs and into the dormiotory.  
  
I was a free man.


	14. The Ball: Part One

Looong chapter. I probably didn't need to write about Lily dressing up for the ball, but it was fun. Bite me.

* * *

_****_

_**Lily**  
_  
I guess you could say I wasn't very "enthusiastic" getting ready for the ball. I mean, who would be after just being taunted like that? But, like always, Cin came in to save the day.   
  
"Lil, I've had it up to here with you," Cin sighed, stepping into the room and looking me over. "Get off that bed and stop moping around. Tonight is the Graduate Ball! So you don't have a date. Neither do I! Boys aren't all that great anyways, you and I both know that. How bout we be each other's date?" She flashed me her famous "you know you want to" grin. I groaned and turned over. There's no way I'm going to the ball. How could I possibly enjoy myself?  
  
"Well, I know I'm not Prince Charming or anything, but you could at least say something," she said, sitting down beside me.  
  
"I'm sorry Cin," I said, facing her. "I've just had a rough day."  
  
That could be considered the understatement of the year.   
  
"Well snap out of it girl!" Cin exclaimed.  
  
I sighed and sat up. I really didn't want to go to the ball, but I didn't really have a choice. I had to open it with James (the thought of him sent my stomach flopping), and speak to our year. But, I suddenly thought, Dumbledore never said I had to stay after I'd completed those things...  
  
I don't think I'd be able to bear staying, watching James with his girlfriend. Just the thought made me tear up.   
  
"No more tears, you're gonna shrivel up if you keep leaking water," she smiled, wiping them away. I smiled a little. Cin really was my best friend. "Now c'mon, get up. Time to get dressed! I'll even do your hair for you. Can't beat that."  
  
I smiled and hugged Cin. "Thanks."  
  
"No problem hun," she winked, getting up and walking over to her wardrobe. I stood up and yawned, stretching my arms. I'll just have to grin and bare it until the dance and speech are over, then I can come back up here, away from James and his girlfriend, away from my feelings, away from it all.  
  
Suddenly I stopped. What good will that do? Being alone up here, depressed as hell, crying my eyes out. All that will accomplish is me getting a massive headache and feeling sorry for myself. I took a deep breath. I can get over James. I _will_ get over James. Even if it's only for one night. I _can_ do this.  
  
I walked over to my wardrobe and pulled open the doors. There was my dress robe, hanging right in the front. I smiled slightly as I remembered picking them out with mum in Diagon Alley. It was love at first sight. Emerald green, flowing sleeves, and even a tiny bit of a trail. I loved the neck though, an elegant v-cut. I didn't exactly have the biggest chest, but I had filled out this year and the robes looked just right. I pulled them off their hanger, shed my cami and pajama pants, and carefully slipped them on. Perfect fit. I stepped in front of the mirror and looked myself over. I even did a little spin, like I would when I was little in my holiday dress. At least one thing would be right tonight.  
  
"Wow Lil, those are great!" Cin grinned, coming out of the bathroom. "The color really brings out your eyes."  
  
"Wow, look at you!" I exclaimed. "You're gorgeous!"  
  
Cin had on midnight blue robes, trimmed with lace and glitter. Something I definately wouldn't be bold enough to wear, but Cin could pull off anything. I absolutely loved her hair though. Normally it was straight, long, and blonde, but tonight she had it in beautiful curls cascading down her back.  
  
"Shut up," she said. "You're only saying that because you're my date."   
  
"Yeah, but you do look nice," I grinned.   
  
"So, now zat you're zressed, it iz time for ze 'air," Cin said in her French accent, plopping me down into a chair. "I wooz zinking a boon, maybe?"  
  
"Whatever you say," I replied, not really understanding what she was saying. But I trusted her; Cin was good at being pretty, and I was good at books and work.   
  
She took out her wand and waved it this way and that, conducting each strand of my hair and putting it in its perfect place on my head. After about ten minutes she turned me around so I could face the mirror. I let out a gasp.  
  
Cin had put my hair in an absolutely beautiful braided sort of bun, with elegant curls framing my face. It looked like something you'd see in a movie. And she even did my make-up.   
  
"Cin!" I shrieked, hugging her. "You're the best!"  
  
"I know, I know," she smiled, hugging back. She turned her head and looked over at the clock on her bed side table. "Almost ball time. You ready?"  
  
"Ready," I said. _I can do this_.

* * *

Cin and I joined the crowd gathering in the entrance hall, waiting to be let in to the Great Hall. After only a couple of minutes wait the doors opened, and we stepped inside.  
  
The normal house tables were gone. The very center of the hall had been transformed into a dance floor, with little tables circling a bit away from the edge. There was a stage in the front and in front of the stage was a long table, where the teachers and Professor Dumbledore sat. There were all sorts of silver and gold decorations strung across the hall, and the banners bering the mascot of each house floated above the teachers' table.   
  
"Wow," Cin said.  
  
"Ditto."  
  
Everyone gathered at the tables, no one quite sure what to do. As the minutes passed by students kept filing in, and finally it had appeared everyone was here. I tried my best not to look for James, but it was too hard. The first chance I had my eyes traveled from face to face, couple to couple, frantically searching. Finally I spotted him, standing with his arms crossed on the other side of the hall. I let out a gasp of air. He was so perfect. After I had got over the initial shock of how handsome he looked, I noticed something odd. Instead of standing with his girlfriend, he was with Remus, Sirius and Peter. Eyebrow raised, I moved my gaze from James and scanned the crowd, looking for her. There she was, on my side of the hall, in the corner.   
  
With another boy.   
  
Did that mean...?   
  
My heart flipped.   
  
Could it be...?  
  
"Welcome everyone, to you Graduate Ball."  
  
Professor Dumbledore's voice rang across the hall, effortlessly ending any conversations. He had risen from his seat and his eyes were twinkling, like always.  
  
"It saddens me to think that in less than a month, all of you will no longer be students at Hogwarts. Every single one of you holds a special place in my heart, not only because you were, in my opinion, the best generation that Hogwarts has ever produced, but you are my first graduating year, and I will forever remember you. It has been nothing short of a blessing to be able to oversee your education, to be a part of your lives. I watched you as first years, scared and unsure what the future would bring. I watched you as second years, developing friendships and at the same time developing your selves. In third year, I watched as you experienced Hogwasmeade for the first time and started 'getting the hang' of things. I then watched you as fourth years, more confident and adventurous than ever. Before I knew it you were in your fifth year, and I glowed with pride as you exceeded my expectations as well as your own, I'm sure, on your O.W.L.S.. Sixth year came, and you began to mature into the lovely young adults I see before me this very moment. Now, it is your seventh and final year, and I can only hope that your time spent at Hogwarts have meant as much to you as they have to me."  
  
It sounded as if a thunderstorm entered the Great Hall. Every single person was clapping as hard as they could, and even then some. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, but I wasn't alone. I watched as Professor Dumbledore smiled upon us, wiping his own tears away. How incredibly lucky we were to have someone like him watching over us, protecting us.  
  
"Okay!" Professor Dumbledore exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Enough with the that, there will be plenty of time for speech making later. At this time, I would like to ask our Head Boy and Girl to make their way to the dance floor for the opening dance."   
  
I could feel my palms getting warm as the words came out of Professor Dumbledore's mouth. I swallowed hard, trying to stop my stomach from feeling as if it were a tornado and my heart from beating right out of my chest. Somehow I managed to get my legs to work, and I slowly walked out to the dance floor. It was if I was in another world. The sound of clapping and the hoots and hollers seemed so far away. I felt numb, not really sure of what I was doing but doing it anyways.   
  
And then I saw him. All of my thoughts of abandoning my feelings for James vanished.  
  
He was a vision of perfection, and he was heading straight for me. Dressed in plain but nice dark dress robes, the same jet black as his untidy hair, he took my breath away. His hypnotizing hazel eyes bore into mine as he bowed, and I was so caught up in them I almost forgot to curtsy. The music began but I hardly noticed; I was too caught up in him, us, as he wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me close, and taking my other hand in his, his fingers fitting perfectly in between mine. Somehow, someway, I was able to move my other arm around his neck, and he began to lead. The whole time we danced my eyes were locked to his, and his were locked to mine. I thought I was going to die as fast as my heart was pounding. Slowly other couples started to waltz along with us, but my attention was fixed on James. It felt like a dream, a wonderful, spectacular dream. I was on Cloud Nine. My stomach fluttered and I couldn't help smiling the entire time. It was the most extroadanary feeling in the world and I grasped onto every second of it. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was too perfect. Way too soon the song ended, and everyone stopped and applauded the band. James and I stopped dancing, but we continued to hold each other, not breaking eye contact. The band struck a fast tune and couples around us danced away, but we stayed the same, as if frozen in time. And then he did the most wonderful thing.  
  
Slowly, he moved his face to mine and I felt the softness of his lips against mine, the wish I had been wanting for so long coming true. It didn't last long, but it was all I needed. My knees started to shake and I felt weak all over. If he hadn't been holding me in his arms, I might've fainted.  
  
And if that wasn't enough, he did something even better than I could imagine.  
  
He brought his mouth to my ear, his warm, minty breath tickling my skin, and whispered the best words I've ever heard into my ear.  
  
"I love you." 


	15. The Ball: Part Two

Well, well, well, it has been a long time. A long, long time. And I apologize a million times! So many things have been going on..my life has been crazy. But I've finally started writing again, and I felt awful about abandoning this fic, so have no fear, it's being completed! Sorry again it's been so long, I understand if you all want to kill me. Oh, and sorry if I'm a bit rusty. I'll improve, promise! Muchos loves!

* * *

**_James_**

I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't believe it.

Lily was finally, finally mine. _Mine! _All those years of longing, lusting, chasing, finally coming to an end.

We sat outside on a bench, alone in the courtyard, which was decorated beautifully with fairy lights and white roses. I held her in my arms and could feel the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, the beating of her heart. We had just finished the opening dance, and I had gotten the nerve up to kiss her. And, oh yeah, tell her I loved her.

All of our seven years at Hogwarts I'd never told her that. I mean, it was one thing to think it, but actually say it out loud? And to her, no less? It was kind of frightening. But I did it. And you know what the best part was?

She loved me too.

She said so herself, right after kissing me again. And now, here we are, rightfully in each others arms. You have no idea how long I've waited for this night, this moment. It was perfect. Just like her.

"James?"

Lily turned her head, facing me, and looked into my eyes. God, her eyes were beautiful. One of my favorite features of hers.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

I cocked an eyebrow.

"Sorry? For what?"

She took a deep breath. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. My heart started beating a mile a minute. What if she was going to say this was a mistake? I don't think my heart could take it. But why would she? I mean, there's no doubting what we've got.

"I probably haven't been the easiest girl to pursue lately. I don't know what came over me. Well, actually, maybe I do. I don't know," she sighed. Relieved, I brushed a strand of hair from her face. She smiled. "Nevermind, it's stupid."

"No, really, it's not. I'd like to hear it," I encouraged.

"Well, I don't know. I guess..I guess I was, well, confused. And afraid," she said, the words slowly tumbling out.

"Afraid..? Of what?" I asked.

"James, I meant what I said in the Great Hall. I love you. Deeply," she paused, taking in a breath. I slightly squeezed her hand, and she went on. "And I don't think I could take it if something were to ever happen to us to make us not be together. I was afraid of loosing you."

Loosing me? But she hadn't even had me. Besides, why would she loose me? I love her!

"Lily, darling," I said, stroking her cheek. "How could you loose me? We've only been together thirty minutes."

She sighed and sat up. "James, it doesn't matter how long we've 'been together'. I was too afraid to even start a relationship with you in fear that it would end, resulting in my heart being crushed. And I don't think I could handle that." She looked down to the ground.

I must admit, that hurt. I didn't get it. How could she think that? Why would I break her heart? Or leave her! I'd spent the past seven years of my life trying to get her! I lightly placed my hand under her chin and lifted her face so her eyes looked directly into mine.

"Evans, I thought you were smarter than that," I teased. "There's nothing in this world that could make me want to be with anyone other than you."

She smiled, but water started to fill her eyes. Oh God. Had I said something wrong?

"How can you be so sure, James? I'm willing to put everything I have into this relationship and I'd do anything for you. I just need to know that before I do, I won't be wasting my love. I need to know that you won't break my heart."

I stared into her eyes for a long time. She turned her head to look away, but I gently guided her face towards mine again.

"Lily, I've spent seven long years longing after you. Believe me, I tried to get over you. To move on. But what I have for you isn't some school crush. It's the real thing, Lily. Why else would I spend so long chasing after you? Just to dump you in a couple of months? No way. Lily Evans, I meant what I said back in the Great Hall, too. I love you."

And I really did mean it. And, apparently, she believed me this time, because once again she kissed me. And then I kissed her back. And, well, you know...

"Oh my God. Remus, Remus, come quick! It's happened! It's finally happened! Lily and James are hooking up!"

"SIRIUS!" I roared, jumping about ten feet in the air and then scrambing up, fixing my dressrobes.

"Wow, Sirius, you were right! I thought you were pulling my leg," Remus said, joining Sirius. "It's finally happened. Took them long enough, eh? I do believe it was I who claimed the seventh year?"

"Oh Remmy, we aren't still keeping track of that bet, are we?" Sirius whined.

"Of course we are, Sirius. And I think that means that you owe me five galleons," Remus grinned.

"But Rem, we made that bet in third year," Sirius whined again.

"A bet's a bet, Sirius. Besides, if you'd have won, you'd be sticking to your guns right now too," Remus said.

I couldn't believe this. My best mates had bet on when I'd hook Lily. Unbelievable.

"Um, excuse me, sorry to interupt this little debate, but is there any reason you two decided to come out here and bother us?" I asked, feeling slightly embarrassed. And as far as I could tell, so did Lily, considering her cheeks were badly flushed. But, then again, that might not be because she was blushing..

"Bother you? No. Deliver a message? Yes," Sirius grinned.

"Professor Dumbledore needs you two to come in. He said it's time for your speeches," Remus informed.

I glanced over at Lily. I sure hoped she had some good stuff to say. I hadn't really had time to think of anything, considering the past couple of days. Not that I was any good at speeches and stuff like that anyway.

Remus and Sirius started inside, and I held out my arm for Lily. She took it, and we walked inside together, me straightening my glasses and her smoothing down her dress robes. I couldn't help but grin.


End file.
